Summer Movies: Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (1991)
To know me is to know some very real facts about me, first and foremost, when it comes to writing. I am not a writer. I’m not anything, really but an opinionated nobody. This blog is dedicated to bullshit and sending some words into the ether. It doesn’t even have a running theme other than shit I like and want to talk about. Hard stop. I don’t look to profit from it other than maybe gaining a regular reader here and there. In fact I see this as a way to distract myself from some very real shit like being laid off or I dunno, turning 40 soon. The only way I know how to cope is to turn inside myself and live vicariously through characters that comfort me. I know I say this now and will probably be famous last words when someone more educated and influential than myself reads this shit and I have to die of shame. But!I love movies more than tv, and have always wanted to write about my favorite ones regardless if they are considered good or not, it’s a well known fact that Hackers is legitimately my favorite movie, not ironically. I will openly watch and discuss garbage films. I saw Freddy Got Fingered by myself in an empty theater.
Not only do I prefer movies over television, but I probably only watch ~25 different movies in rotation. And when Summer rolls around that list dwindles down and morphs into this gross glob of underdogs from somewhere deep in my psyche. I’m here to talk about those movies.
Listen, this movie came out in 91. I wasn’t necessarily a teenager but I wasn’t exactly a kid either. I was about 12, and much like the kids in this household, I was a trusted child of freedom about my home. Christina Applegate was still acting in her pivotal role on Married…With Children as bimbo teen dream, Kelly Bundy. This movie made her a breakout star, I wanted to BE her. My parents both worked day jobs, and there was a time where my mom went back to school too and started an apprenticeship to become a paraeducator. Like many my age, my sister and I were latchkey kids through most of the 90s. These kids being left to their own devices was a dreamy scene to envision for ourselves. This masterpiece was a lifted, bootleg recording from what I assume was a free weekend of HBO or Cinemax. I remember us distinctly wearing dad’s oversized shirts and belts to make up our own fashion show before they got home one night.
So, for the uninitiated, what is this movie even about?
Sue Ellen, 17, and her brood of siblings are put to task when their mom takes off for a summer trip to the Outback, leaving decrepit Mrs Sturak in charge. Mrs Sturak makes it 10 minutes before she dies, the kids, being kids, and this being the 90s, leave her on the steps of the city morgue. The money they were left with, is still on Mrs Sturak. They have to come up with a plan for money, or TELL MOM THE BABYSITTER IS DEAD.
Sue Ellen and her brother flip a box of spaghetti to see who gets a job and who stays with their younger siblings to run the house. She loses. However, not settled working for the local Clown Dog cleaning fat vats, she lifts a resume from a book to fake it until she makes it and applies at a what she assumes is a prestigious fashion house (complete with the ever necessary work outfit montage ). Precariously navigating her new office job under the guise that she knows how to use a fax machine we find she’s working as an Executive Admin Asst. for a wavering factory that distributes school uniforms, or as her boss informs Sue Ellen “General Apparel West is one of 32 subdivisions of Chem Tech American, one of our nation’s leading chemical corporations.” They’re not doing too well, their numbers are tanking, sales are hesitant and opting out, and her team is clenching their collective butts that the kids from a local school district will approve their archaic ideas of school uniforms.
The movie picks up when Sue Ellen is entrusted with access to petty cash. Relieved that she can maybe pull this off after all, she starts to “borrow” between paychecks for groceries and to keep the lights on. Her siblings believing that she’s making BANK start to take advantage of their assumed windfall from her purse with impunity. They continue their own personal agendas and doing the bare minimum to keep the house together. The youngest buys a state of the art entertainment system, another buys a diamond ring for his girlfriend (“it’s a chip”.) putting Sue Ellen in a massive hole with the petty cash before she even knows it. Kenny contributes to the bare minimum as best as any assumed stoner fuck in these movies can.
Not to be outdone, Carolyn, the front office receptionist, and also the sister to the love interest of our protagonist has a (rightful) grudge. She seeks to expose Sue Ellen after finding out that not only that she’s stealing from petty cash and is only 17, she’s gleefully hoping this will aid in her ascending to the Admin Asst job she believes she was entitled to before Sue Ellen stole it from under her.
HOW do they get out of this petty cash fiasco?! Well, a FASHION SHOW of course! It IS the early 90s after all. Sue Ellen not only deceives her foe, but she SAVES THE FACTORY in the process.
This was always my favorite part, within the chaos of Rose receiving the phone call that the kids are revolting and didn’t like the uniforms she designs, she is distraught and starts packing her office. Sue Ellen calmy goes to the design basement and starts flicking through the racks upon racks of uniforms to start piecing together her unique vision.
The movie starts to come to its final scenes when Sue Ellen’s mom comes home and her boyfriend proclaims his love from the Clown Mobile loudspeaker while parked in her driveway. She stops and starts to confess her grift, saying that she’s only 17, and only doing this for some summer money while her mom was gone. Mom is hard pisssssed, but Sue Ellen has learnt some life lessons while mom was away. While juggling a conversation about what’s happening in the backyard she shows proof of a summer navigating responsibility for her siblings. I always felt proud of her in this moment and still do, I’m the oldest of two girls. Getting praised for doing something on your own to show ownership of the home is a plus.
The movie ends with Sue Ellen telling her mom to go take a nap while shepherding her siblings to help clean up the party. She confronts Rose and they have a conversation about her future with the company. Rose isn’t mad, just disappointed that she was duped. She offers Sue Ellen a permanent spot as her assistant. Though flattered, Sue Ellen kindly declines to seek out college and other fashion focused opportunities. She makes up with her boyfriend and thats it! Thats the movie!
